To continue the friendly rivalry that has emerged between Oregon and Arizona in light of Saturday’s game, each publication has taken the time to pen a semi-serious takedown of the other’s program; which is to say, these posts are deadly serious until Saturday, after which point they’ll be reminisced over with a couple of cold ones.
The Commentator’s post follows below the jump, while the demolition of Oregon as a concept can be read at their site. Both are extremely not-safe-for-work – and really, not safe for any decent environment of humane people – but we encourage the more red-blooded Arizona fans out their to stand up for their program’s honor in both comment threads.
It’s the weekend, folks – go Cats!
If there is any state that is comparable in general shit-holeness of New Jersey it is the state of Arizona. Arizona is a desert wasteland, that has two reasons to visit it. A canyon and a crater. Any other place in the arid state is either a strip mall or a desert strip that looks like a nuclear testing site.
Arizona has a history of losing. Losers are a rich part of Arizona’s history and culture. Arizona has had two presidential nominees come for the Republican Party. Barry Goldwater nearly lost Arizona in the 1964 election, and he ended up losing in one of the biggest landslides in US presidential elections history. John McCain was the next loser, continuing the tradition for Arizona. Also, Bob Dole is from Arizona and he was also a presidential campaign failure.
If our former students are dumb and sexist, your current sexist students are dumber. Earlier this year pledges from the Phi Kappa Psi fraternity stole 10,000 newspapers in hopes of hopes to cover up a story that featured GHB use at the University. The pledges then left their unfinished homework with the evidence. Well, the dumbasses created even more media coverage by getting caught.
In past stupidity of UA alumni, seek no further than former basketball player Damon Stoudamire. Tried to sneak in marijuana onto an airplane by covering it with tinfoil and leaving it in his pocket. I guess he never learned about metal detectors.
When deciding a mascot did the University of Arizona just choose the most generic mascot they could? Was Bulldogs overused? Don’t let Puddles fool you, he is a savage beast. He is no stranger to fighting large felines, he fucked up The University of Houston’s Cougar finishing him off with a nationally televised teabagging.
All you Arizona fans should be happy that we are playing you. You think ESPN’s Gameday would give a shit about going over to Tucson if the Ducks weren’t heading there this weekend? No Fucking Way. At least the whole nation will be able to see the shithole that is Arizona. You are welcome. Just because the cool kids showed up to your party it does make you significant.
UA’s head coach Mike Stoops is the Jim Belushi of College football. It’s amazing to think that they still both have jobs after being the equivalent of adequacy for years. Well I guess it makes sense to keep him on staff. This is the University that gave Kourtney Kardashian a degree.
Remember Wildcats: this weekend you’re playing against the big boys. Your cupcake schedule is over. We may have the most unique jerseys in the world. But at least our student section doesn’t smell like ball sweat and donkey shit.
Have fun watching a real team play at Arizona.