It started with breathless on-the-scene reporting; but now, with this column, the Wildcat‘s coverage has devolved into “I ain’t no punk” nut-grabbing  – no, really.

Bergan’s reporting is second to none on the paper, but this column – a rant, really – is the rhetorical equivalent of smashing someone else’s Corvette with a crowbar (link amusingly safe for work). It’s almost awkward to read, as though an internal memo for amusement was accidentally put into today’s paper by the copy editor.

Perhaps it’s an attempt to engage the fraternity on its own level. Perhaps it represents genuine anger at the Kafka-meets-Ferrell proceedings of the Greek Standards Board. Whatever it is, by preaching to a Wildcat “base,” it threatens to lose the support of those who have no dog in this fight.

The Lebowski metaphor alluded to in the piece (available here) is telling. Yes, Little Larry’s homework is found in the car. But is that sure-fire, “beyond a reasonable doubt” evidence that he took the car, let alone a suitcase? Further, their agitation is driven not by the dingy car, but by the suitcase in the car – a suitcase supposedly carrying money that neither the Dude nor Walter are supposed to have. It may be Little Larry’s homework, but it’s the Dude’s car that gets smashed, and it’s Walter who walks away with the proverbial egg on his face.

There is a way, using the vernacular to New Age charlatans, to channel this energy in a positive way. For starters’, it’s simply false to say that, “[a]ll of the legal and judicial avenues have been exhausted.” If the compiled evidence is in fact “clear and convincing,” there’s no reason that the paper can’t sue and take the case to civil court.

Yet this case is hopefully about more than the damages – with all its allusions to the First Amendment, the paper certainly believes this to be the case. The paper’s power lies in its reporting, rather than it litigiousness, and there are several angles that the paper could take in this vein.

For starters, isn’t there an alleged drugging under investigation? With a police report? And leads? This is far more serious than any amount of theft on campus, and I suspect that this case is not the only one of its kind.

There’s also the Greek system as a whole, shrouded in mystery for those on the outside. How does the Standards Board work? Why can they register their parties in advance with the university? How much money are allocated to their programs from the Dean of Students, Student Affairs, etc.?

Of course, there’s the UAPD. How large is their budget? How many of these resources are devoted to the enforcement of victimless crimes? How many officers do they have?  What about those AR-15s – have they been at all useful?

There are many angles the desk can pursue – none of which involve “testicles” or “balls.” Hopefully, the paper will adopt this path in the coming days.